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1.12.2011

cheer up kid.

Friday will be the beginning of a new semester of school for me, my LAST semester of high school. While that's all memories and shiz, I'm focused on this semester and the awful way that I ended it. I made a promise to myself to do better than the years before. Of which, freshman & sophomore year I spent in summer school. Last year I lucked out, however, it's still a disappointment.

First semester of this year, I had Environmental Issues class. We learn about the environment, the issues and dilemmas, why this is affecting our lives, and ways that we could help reduce the impact of it. It was easy enough, just have an open mind. However, I'm cursed with a faulty memory. I forgot assignments which was quick to plummet my grade. And the teacher was never consistent. He hardly ever told you when due dates were until the day it was due. And he was quick to anger. In one lab, I accidently mixed up the bacterias and asked if I can redo it. He proceeded to yell at me in front of the whole class. Needless to say, I almost cried on the spot. I'm weak when it comes to scolding.

The last two weeks in class, we spent constructing things from an energy kit. Along with constructing it, we had to keep a journal to track our progress. My group unfortunately could just build the whole thing, we only got to the 6th experiment while everyone was on the 10th, then the 12th, then the 14th. We stayed on 6. My members refused to ask the other groups how they did theirs and none of us wanted us to ask the teacher due to the way he reacts. He would yell something along "You're 17 and 18 year olds! This is a simple construction kit that gives you how to do it, step by step AND has pictures! If you can't figure this out, you're going to have a hell of a time in college when the teachers only give you vague assignment details." Automatically, a 0 for all of us.

There was a final project that we had to do, but my grade is so low, I didn't. Even if I got a perfect 100, it wouldn't even bring me up high enough to pass. So, here's the lowest grade I've ever gotten in school. Explaining it to my parents are even worse. I was afraid to tell my parents because, hello? I got ANOTHER failing grade. They'll bring up in 4th grade how I was an honor student, or how good I did in 8th grade, but honestly, the change from 8th grade to high school is significant. 7th & 8th grade you were GIVEN the answers. High school, you're even lucky to get a good explanation from a teacher.

I spent all night crying about how bad my parents were going to flip out. I'm prone to self-hatred at times & me worrying about Environmental Issues made me think of the finals I WAS supposed to have today (snow day) and how I'll probably end up failing those & fail those classes, not be able to graduate, and I'll have to repeat a horrible year in shame. Nobody really understands how bad I punish myself when these things happen. I KNOW it's my own fault, but it doesn't make it hurt less when they tell me I brought it upon myself because I KNOW. 

I was telling my boyfriend all of this stuff yesterday and he was trying to cheer me up, but when I'm upset, I need to cry out ALL of the pain before I get happy again. So that's how last night went. Tear after tear. I huggled my childhood stuffed animal, Teddy and the stuffed animal my boyfriend got me, Tiger (I consider him the extension of my boyfriend) all night.

When I woke up today, I started studying because I was feeling good, but I knew I would have to tell my mom. I studied & studied & studied. I fell asleep three times, and drooled all over my bed. (I have a drooling issue.) Then I got up. My mom immediately was able to see I had something bothering me. I've had the same talk with her before about failing a class, so I knew what she'd say. She'd either be deeply disappointed and take away all my favorite things as punishment, or give me her stern voice and say that I NEED to do better next semester. I got the stern voice. And she even admitted that my brother had issues with the same teacher when he had him, after I explained why I failed.

Now I was happy because I thought the whole world was going to collapse upon me. I turned on my computer & got on AIM. I saw my boyfriend leave me a message that went like this:

"Hey baby, I hope you get to see this message before you go to school. I really, really, REALLY hope that you do well on those exams - I know you can. Just focus on them, and try your hardest. Even if you don't do well on them, as long as you tried your damnedest to succeed, that's better than not trying at all. And think of it another way - if you do good on them, that means that you never have to deal with those classes and that info again.
   
    You're my girlfriend and I love you very much, and I know deep down there is a smart girl who can succeed. I stuck to my word and I've been thinking of you all night, feeling both bad about you being down on yourself, and wishing you were here, snuggled safely with me under some warm covers, without a single worry about any stupid fucking tests.
   
    Ivette -insert middle & last name- is the girl I always wished for, and no matter what happens, she'll stay that. I hope you always love me at least 1/10th of how much I love you, because even then, I'd be loved immensely.
"


I immediately started crying. Not out of sorrow, but from happiness that even though I probably depressed the hell out of him last night with my self-loathing, he still stuck by and wished me luck on the finals. He really is the best boyfriend ever.
Really Michael, you are. 
xoxo

Evey

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I just had to type out all this to get it off my chest. Thanks for reading.

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